Informing others of their wants or opinions sometimes feels like aggression that may threaten the relationship. It's best not to make a scene; to say yes when they . Different people have different personality types. How do personality differences impact relationships? According to the Enneagram there are nine types. Myth: Twos just give to get and underneath are very needy. Fact: Sevens can sometimes end up staying in relationships that are not good for.
Work on assisting Givers in referencing to their own needs. Show appreciation and gratitude for the positives in life and for what Givers provide. This relationship is truly an attraction of opposites. However, in wanting more connection and acknowledgement, Givers try to bring Observers forward into feelings and more sustained contact.
Then Givers active energy can feel intrusive, overly emotional, and demanding to Observers, who then contracts and disengages.
Angry outbursts, alienation, and even disruption of the relationship can ensue. Tendency to overdo helpfulness and become intrusive and over emotional, need for appreciation, approval and attention, and difficulty sustaining a separate or independent self.
Develop own autonomy or independence and inner life. Work on moderating claims for time, energy, and connection. Encourage the Observer to move forward into life and feelings. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, engagement in life, social skills, generosity, and relationship focus. Move into feelings and stay engaged in life. Allow for dependency and nurturance.
Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention. A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional. Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship.
Tendency to overdo helpfulness, intrusive behavior, need for approval and attention, hidden dependence, and tendency to over influence with emotions. Questioning mind, healthy skepticism, loyalty, concern for underdogs, analytic skills, warmth, and endurance. Notice and moderate intrusiveness the big forward-moving energyemotional claims, and helpfulness. Practice directness in expressing own needs and desires. Positivity and support, open-heartedness, responsiveness, genuine caring, generosity, and sensitivity to others.
Claim own authority and boundaries. State what actually is needed and desired. Encourage Giver to express own autonomy, needs, and desires. Reduce the tendency to magnify what can go wrong. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 7, the Epicure Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Both types enjoy the strengths they share in common — especially flexibility, friendliness and the love of freedom and the good life.
However, Givers can find Epicures overly self-referencing and self-serving, hence not paying enough attention to the relationship or sufficiently reciprocating in give and take.
Givers can then feel neglected and unappreciated and become emotional, demanding, and guilt provoking. Epicures, on the other hand, can find Givers overly focused on others, intrusive, and too needy of attention.
A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can occur as the Epicure, feeling smothered and limited, can respond with escapism and rationalization and the Giver with angry outbursts and emotionality, possibly resulting in alienation and deterioration and even destruction of the relationship. Disowned needs and desires, preoccupation with relationship and connection, and tendency to become inadvertently emotionally controlling.
The many interests and ideas, healthy self-interest, idealism, flexibility, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship.
Develop autonomy the separate or independent self. Work on providing the Epicure with space while maintaining connection. Express own deeper feelings, needs, and desires. Allow for slowing pace and increasing receptive force. Avoidance of painful feelings, difficulty accepting naturally occurring limits, tendency to avoid emotional commitment, and self-referencing to own interests and ideas.
Giving and caring nature, strong relationship focus, generosity, and the shared optimism and quest for happiness Key Tasks for Building and Sustaining Relationship. Commit to the relationship while asserting boundaries. Allow in feelings and concerns. In turn, the Protector often resists the influence and may react to feeling contained or manipulated with more confrontation and anger. Feeling rejected and devalued, the Giver may withdraw or burst out in anger and emotion.
This all can result in a deep rift in the relationship and repeated cycles of uncontained reactivity leading to destruction of the relationship. Failure to focus on and express own needs, habit of altering to please, desire for attention and approval, intrusiveness, and potentially inadvertent emotionally manipulative behavior designed to soften and modify Protectors.
What to Appreciate in Protectors. Power and strength, assertiveness, encouragement and support of desires, zest for life, directness, and protectiveness.
Relationship Type 6 with Type 9 — The Enneagram Institute
Practice holding ground, expressing self directly, and claiming own needs. Work at accepting, not changing, the Protector. Develop the separate or independent self. Become aware of and moderate intrusiveness and emotionality that the Protector experiences as controlling.
Genuine care, helpfulness and willingness to give, sensitivity regarding feelings and relationships, and positive active energy. Develop sensitivity to feelings and allow in own vulnerabilities. Manage energy expression and boundaries. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers and Mediators get along well together because they both are sensitive, pleasing, helpful, and accommodating.
But conflict arises when Givers become overly helpful and intrusive in an effort to get Mediators to set priorities, take initiatives, and say what they need even though Givers have great difficulty themselves with experiencing what they need.
When this pattern persists, the relationship can deteriorate and even dissolve. Steadiness, patience, genuine care, acceptance of life, empathy, and the tendency to counter active energy with a slower pace and relaxed attitude.
Notice and moderate emotions, pace, amount of advice. Develop and express own separate and independent self. Work at personal priorities and needs and encourage the Mediator to do likewise. Genuine care, helpfulness, empathy, sensitivity regarding feelings, liveliness, and positive active energy. Work on own priorities, personal boundaries, and needs and encourage the Giver to do likewise.
Take responsibility for own part in conflict. Be willing to confront intrusion and over giving. They can live parallel yet supportive lives with each taking on the tasks necessary to function and attain goals. They may even become competitive, experience one another as obstacles in the path of attainment and success, and feel insufficiently recognized. A cycle of ever-increasing conflict can result when this occurs.
Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship.
Inattention to feelings and relationship issues, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for too much recognition, and difficulty slowing pace. What to Appreciate in Other Performers. Notice pace and moderate pace and allow in the receptive force.
Encourage expression of feelings in each other associated with the development of the receptive force. Create time for non-work related activities and simply the relationship. Recognize that love comes from being, not doing. Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship. This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship. Idealism, deep feelings, sensitivity to others, creative disposition, and quest for authenticity and depth.
Allow self to experience depth of true feelings and more receptive force. Pay attention to and support the relationship. Attention going to what is missing rather than what is present, imbalance regarding feeling versus doing preoccupation with feelings and sometimes inattention to doingdesire for more attention and special treatment, and tendency to become self-centered.
Support for action, sustained effort, optimism, practicality, goal focus, and competence. Stay active and present even when feeling deficient.
Balance the human feeling side of endeavors with action. Acknowledge own sense of wanting more attention and depth.
- What Each Type Brings to the Relationship
- Type 1, the Perfectionist, with Another Type 1
- Type 1 - The Reformer
Type 3, the Performer, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Observers support each other in work projects and shared activities. As neither type habitually attends to feelings, they are unlikely to resolve the situation through dialogue and expression of personal feelings.
They may become alienated and lonely leading eventually to termination the relationship. Pressure to move ahead, focus mainly on tasks and goals, impatience with analysis, shared difficulty in expressing personal feelings, and tendency to cut corners.
Thoughtful analysis, thinking before doing, dispassion and relative calm under pressure, and undemanding quality. Allow for periods of inactivity and reflection while encouraging the Observer to stay engaged. Work on shared difficulty in paying attention to feelings. Respect boundaries and different work styles. Notice and moderate the fast go ahead energy and pace.
Can-do attitude, accomplishment orientation, competence, engagement in life tasks, showing care through doing and facilitating goals, and enthusiasm. Practice staying engaged and connected. Encourage Performer to moderate pace and activity level. Work on shared difficulty paying attention to feelings. Declare when alone time is needed.
Type 3, the Performer, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts When sharing a common purpose or goal, Performers and Loyal Skeptics can complement each other well with an action orientation balanced by thoughtful downside analysis. When Performers push ahead, somewhat blind to potential hazards and what can go wrong, Loyal Skeptics can react with caution and contrary thinking about pitfalls and worst case scenarios.
A cycle of escalating conflict can take place with the Performer seeing this as putting up obstacles to progress and success, which evokes impatience and a push forward into action.
The Loyal Skeptic then can feel unheard and discounted, which increases his or her doubt and mistrust. This can spiral into a web of angry allegations and eventually estrangement. Loyalty, warmth, healthy skepticism and questioning, ability to see the bigger picture, and sensitivity.
Develop respect for pitfalls and downside of endeavors. Practice expressing own true feelings. Notice and moderate fast pace and allow in receptive force. Optimism, caring through doing, sustained focus on goals, positive go-ahead energy, and support for achievements. Practice trusting in plausible positive actions. Be clear about own position and feelings. Pay attention to and express positives. Reduce tendency to either defer or challenge.
Since both types avoid painful feelings and negatives, difficulties can reach crisis proportions before they are faced.
This cycle of blame creates pain and anger in both. If the difficulties are not faced, alienation can take place and the relationship can dissolve. Shared optimism and go-getter energy, mental quickness and inventiveness, positive possibility orientation, flexibility, and the playful adventuresome spirit. Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives and encouraging the Epicure to do likewise.
Practice slowing the fast pace and allow in receptive force. Develop patience by noticing the tendency toward impatience and releasing from it.
Enneagram Myths and Legends
Positive active energy, accomplishment and solution orientation, disciplined goal focus, practicality, and caring through doing. Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives, encourage the Performer to do likewise. Come more into the present moment and away from future planning. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Protectors can join together in pursuit of shared goals with vigor and determination.
Average Nines dislike change and take comfort in tradition and conventions because they bring stability and permanence. They are extremely agreeable and conciliatory. A favourite saying of Nines is "It doesn't matter to me. Informing others of their wants or opinions sometimes feels like aggression that may threaten the relationship. It's best not to make a scene; to say yes when they mean no; and not question the status quo.
Nines accommodate to avoid conflict. Unfortunately, this behaviour makes Nines easy targets to be taken advantage of by others. This connection makes them feel part of a greater whole.
Nines have lost their sense of self by erasing their own assertion, but they try to reclaim it through their idealized union with their partner. Average Nines suppress their wants and minimize their needs. They tune out and disengage from the world.
They lose themselves in comforting routines television, gardening, hobbies. They focus on the feeling of unity with the world or with others. Their attention to the real world becomes unfocussed and vague. They have a hard time dealing with change and try to ignore pressure to do so.
Personality Type Nine
They ignore, avoid, and sweep problems under the rug. Nines try to make a deal with Life: Nines can't understand why others would want them to change. Average Nines accommodate too much to others and no longer develop themselves as individuals. They are neither introspective, or self-questioning. They lack self-awareness and initiative. They are indifferent and feel no sense of urgency. They procrastinate, seeing no reason to be pushed out of their complacency.
Despite their pleasant behaviour, they are stubborn and extremely resistant to change. They must maintain their peaceful world at any price even if it is only an illusion. Even worse is trying to type people you meet online through their writing style. Blogging is hardly indicative of one's true self.
People adopt personas that at best don't give the whole picture and at worst, may be completely fabricated. Furthermore, the complete lack of spontaneity or observable non-verbal communication makes getting a read on someone online exceedingly difficult. That's not to say you can't speculate, or that typing online is an impossibility, but you need a lot more than just writing style to go on. This makes a major assumption: While it's true that there everyone has certain conflict styles that are individual to them, many conflict situations are an interplay between how their style matches with the other person's style.
Each person plays off the other in a way that either pushes buttons or smooths over the troubles, and different types of conflict situations can elicit stronger or more subdued reactions based on how they feel about the other person, how compatible that person's conflict style is with theirs and how emotionally charged the source of the conflict is.
Furthermore, social norms about the type of reaction may temper it as well--someone may act differently in an online forum than they would at work, or at work than they would with a family member or significant other. The only way to gain insight to someone's personality through conflict is to look at how they are over time, in a broad spectrum of situations, with a variety of people.
Although phototyping can be fun in a non-serious sort of way, becoming invested in your typing of someone based on their photo is a recipe for error. I've seen people type based on online photographs that clearly made liberal use of photoshop.
Even if you could base your typing on things like features, mannerisms or how someone carries themselves, what you're seeing is probably quite different from how they would look if you saw them on the subway or sitting in a coffeehouse.
Additionally, features such as eyebrows, mouth, build, etcetera tend to run along genetic lines, and whereas genetics does seem to play a role in the formation of personality, there's a lot more at work, especially in motivation-based theories like the enneagram.
By that rationale, every woman on my dad's side of the family should be the same enneatype, since our physical features are strikingly similar, yet we have strikingly different motivations.
Why do art and science have to be mutually exclusive? The underlying belief seems to be that art is subjective and leaves a lot of room for both creativity and interpretation, whereas science employs raw, factual data and is objective.
However, there is still some objectivity in the arts, and a specific structure and methodology in what makes something good. It's how we can say that the fifteen year old goth kid writing love poems at Denny's is a bad writer, whereas Goethe was a highly talented and influential literary figure. Similarly, good work in the sciences requires creativity, the ability to synthesize past research, and finding new interpretations for old data in order to formulate theories and develop experiments.
In most any field, the arts and sciences are interdependent, not separate. Looking at scientific data for the enneagram can aid in our own self-evaluations as well as intellectual inquiries of the system. To try to make it either all art or all science is to cut out a huge source of knowledge. The important thing to consider is that these are merely correlations.
It just means that there's a statistical significance between the type on one system and the type on another. Furthermore, there is considerable disagreement among enneagram theorists on which Myers-Briggs types correspond to which enneatypes.
If enneatypes and Myers-Briggs types were identical, we wouldn't need different constructs to explain personality.