The reacher and settler in a relationship

Are You The Reacher Or The Settler In Your Relationship? - Romance (2) - Nigeria

the reacher and settler in a relationship

There was an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" that discussed the theory that every “good relationship” has both a “reacher” and a “settler. We'd all like to think our relationships are completely well-balanced, but science says that there is often one partner who is more desirable in. Within a successful, seemingly stable relationship, the settler refers to the "better half" The opposite of a reacher. Get a Settler mug for your bunkmate Trump.

You chose to grow. You wanted to meet her on her level. You sorted your life out, started exercising more, started crushing it in business, and just generally became a more competent and amazing human being. She was inspired by you and your drive. So what did she do? She followed suit and continued to up the ante. When you are the reacher, you are in a growth phase.

You are pushing to be your absolute best. When you are an encourager, you help your partner by supporting them in their growth phase.

The truly thriving relationship exists when you can take on both roles as a reacher and an encourager. You are both simultaneously building and advancing yourself, while encouraging your partner to grow.

Or does the "undesirable" one feel forever inadequate and is the "desirable" one always secretly on the lookout for someone better? Depressingly, according to science, this is exactly what happens. The reachers were the partners who were generally considered less desirable in their relationships and were with people "out of their league", while the settlers were the partners who were more desirable and had settled for someone below their league.

the reacher and settler in a relationship

The team then found that when the settler was exposed to other potential partners who better fit their needs, it was difficult for that person to remain loyal and affectionate to their significant other. Traditionally, evolutionary psychology suggests that people end up matched with mates of equal "value"; for instance, if you were rated a "7", your partner is likely to be a "6", "7" or "8". But does this theory change everything?

Is the well-known reacher-settler theory seen on screen in sitcom How I Met Your Mother actually correct? Or is this just a cruel theory designed to make people question an otherwise decent relationship? VT spoke to people in relationships to gauge whether or not there was always a power imbalance somewhere, or whether some couples weighed up perfectly.

Predictably, many couples declined to pinpoint which partner was more desirable, yet a few spoke about the theory openly, with one year-old man, who'd been with his partner for a year and a half, rejecting the notion for his relationship.

Are you -- or your partner -- too confrontational, or perhaps too emotionally repressed? Is one person noticeably more problematic than the other? I cause all the problems. My partner is a saint. My partner causes all the problems. I think we both try really hard at the relationship, to make it work. We both do terrible things to each other.

Do you think you deserve your better, or are you just really, really lucky to have them? Do you often worry that maybe you've pulled the wool over their eyes -- or maybe, you're always thinking that you could do better? What sounds the most like your relationship?

We're really lucky to have each other. We're terrible for each other, probably. I wish my partner would step it up more.

Are You The Reacher Or The Settler In Your Relationship?

I'm always worried that my partner will find someone better. So maybe you've been with your partner a long time, and when you first started dating, you both held some very different views on things. However, as time has gone on, that's changed. Have your views largely changed to align with those of your partner Both of our views have evolved, through dialogue with each other.

We disagree with each other on everything. I think my partner is much smarter than I am.

the reacher and settler in a relationship

My partner goes along with whatever I say or think, usually. Now, let's leave aside geographic difference which might slant this question. Assuming, if only for a minute, that both of you live within a short driving distance from your respective families, who do you think the two of you would both go to see more often -- as a couple?

We both avoid each other's families.

the reacher and settler in a relationship

We'd always visit my partner's family, they don't usually want to see mine. We both would prefer to see my family more often, I think. We both see each other's families about the same amount, or would like to.

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Cheating is a very, very serious matter that can completely obliterate any relationship, or leave a toxic rift in it that never heals. Hopefully, your relationship has never involved any form of cheating. However, if someone has cheated, which one of you has it been?

the reacher and settler in a relationship

Or who do you think would be more likely to cheat? Neither of us would ever cheat. I cheated, or would cheat. My partner has cheated, or would be more likely to.

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The general purpose of this quiz is to determine if there is a fundamental imbalance in your relationship, wherein one partner believes that they are better than the other. However, do you think your partner "owes" you something, for whatever reason? That they are in your debt? Or maybe it's the other way around? I owe a lot to my partner.

My partner owes a lot to me. We both help each other a lot. We're both terrible for each other. Maybe you have never cheated Is it something you've thought about, something you think you might get away with, perhaps?

Or are you far too loyal for such a stray thought to enter your mind?

Are You The Reacher Or The Settler?

Let us know the truth of the matter, whatever it might be. I think about it. My partner and I are committed to each other.

Reacher or Settler: Dating Out of Your League / Single AF Podcast / Ep. 12

I'm always worried that my partner is thinking about it. The type of support might vary. Maybe it's financial support, or emotional support, or what have you. But the question here, which of you does the extra work to support the other person? Is there any kind of unequal balance here, regarding who supports whom more? Tell us what you think. I'm amazed my partner can possibly put up with me. We both support each other, in different ways. Neither of us supports the other person at all anymore.

All right, so who funds this whole relationship operation? When you go out to dinner, who picks up the tab? Who is that is putting more money into the rent? Is there an imbalance -- and if so, is it one that you're both happy with, or is the source of a lot of arguments? We have an arrangement we're both happy with. I pay for everything, and I don't like it. My partner pays for everything, and I feel bad.

We're both unhappy with our situation for different reasons. Respect is a key element in any successful relationship. How do you think, deep in your heart, your partner really feels about who you are, what you do, and what motivates you? Do you think that your significant other has a healthy amount of respect for you They worship the ground I walk on, annoyingly enough.

They despise me, as far as I can tell. We both respect each other. Sexual relations are a big part of any relationship, and it's the one place where equality might be the most important. Sex needs to be enjoyed by both people for any happy relationship. When you and your partner initiate action between the sheets, who is it that always gets the ball rolling?

the reacher and settler in a relationship

We both do, together. We don't have sex anymore.