Ask Deepak: How to Repair Your Relationship with Your Adult Son. By Deepak Chopra. Sad parents. Photo: Stockbyte/Thinkstock. Each week. The father son relationship can be fraught with communication problems and anger. Here's how to improve your father and son relationship. After a year and a half we moved to our own place, but our relationship did not . If the son could not care less about the father, then he has no responsibility to.
By bravely revealing and working through this boiling cauldron of emotion we may come to a meaningful resolution. Perhaps a facilitated conversation in therapy would provide an opportunity to deal with the unfinished business, leftover resentment from our childhood.
In cases of neglect, physical or emotional abuse, could a father acknowledge his wrong doing without excusing his behavior? At that point there would seem to be no hope for repair.
Their attempts for reconciliation may or may not reach their father, but the real psychological work entails making a concerted effort to sort out this jumbled knot of confused, disturbing experiences and memories within themselves. Personally, I have twice attempted to untie this knotfirst with my father and much later with my own son.
These were largely unpleasant memories of abuse at the hands of my father, which he called discipline. I wanted to try to deal with this upsurge of memories and intense resentment that was coming from deep within me. This created a stalemate between us, and every time I saw him I was tense and would entertain vengeful fantasies. As part of my own therapy, I was able to vent intense feelings of righteous anger, victimization, and outrage.
The Psychology Behind Strained Father Son Relationships
This ongoing venting of rage and hurt eventually opened up a totally unexpected memory. I came to realize that there had been a time when I was really young where I actually had wanted something from my father.
It was a shock to have this memory. I also came to realize that this did not change anything with him, but it meant a lot to me to uncover this wanting feeling for him.
Unfortunately, nothing in the realm of relationship was possible with my father. So I had to let go and feel the pain of that old rejection and my anger, and then I was able to disengage and move on.
When I had a son of my own, I was tested as a father myself. The first early years with my son started off really well, but as he developed and became more autonomous and defiant, sadly, I was unable to manage my reactivity to his testing of boundaries, etc.
Here it was happening to me, not as extreme, but still a strained relationship, and this broke my heart that I was still so psychologically immature. I ended up on quite a roller coaster of a ride as a father. Similar personality traits, such as tendencies to be self-centered, judgmental or stubborn, can be the staging ground for verbal wars of attrition, wherein no one wins and the father-son bond is the casualty.
To establish a more positive momentum one of the combatants must stop and see the bigger picture of what's at stake.
The job of taking heed to consider future implications falls upon the adult. Ways to Resolve Father and Son Conflict Fathers, here are some ideas to reach one of your most critical destinations: Soften up the criticism so it sounds more like a suggestion and feels less like an incision. Fathers shouldn't be expected to always withhold their opinions but just to be more sensitive about sharing them.
Resist the urge to label behavior, such as calling it selfish or idiotic, since such words leave a stinging imprint on the relationship. Take context and timing into consideration since the best feedback might be dismissed by the insensitivity displayed in delivery. Make it a habit of prefacing your comments by mentioning the positives before the negatives. And last but not least, take pains to avoid embarrassing your teenager or you will certainly live to regret it.
Balance debating with validating so you don't always come across as the opinion adversary. Some fathers have a habit of often taking the opposing point of view when their adolescent's express themselves. The goal may be to help kids consider alternate points of view or learn how to assert themselves but the result can make fathers look like verbal bullies.
Overlooked is the fact that teenagers still require praise and validation from parents.
How to Improve Father-Son Relationships | HealthyPlace
Just because they might be as tall as us doesn't justify our relating to them as we might our adult friends when a point of contention is debated. Deep down there's still an ego under construction, strengthened or weakened by the words that flow from mothers and fathers.
Find common ground topics and activities immune to judgments and criticisms. Positive, bonded relationships require plenty of time for mindless fun without editorial content.