Step Brothers Script - transcript from the screenplay and/or Will Ferrell movie
Step Brothers Script taken from a transcript of the screenplay and/or the Will Ferrell movie. I remember when I had my first beer. That's so funny, the .. Bye, kids. I'll check out that stock you recommended, Tommy. Excuse me. - Hi. Kiss me. I know. I know. It's too much. It's too much. I hate my life, Dale. Dale, I hate my life!. We sat around for three or four days and just wrote scene ideas, images, attitudes , “I want to see a movie where little kids beat the shit out of grown men. .. Because the first time he met her was on the set of Step Brothers. All 26 songs in Step Brothers (), with scene descriptions. Listen to trailer ( ) Opening credits. Brennan is Sweet Child O' Mine.
I remember growing up, there was a friend of mine on the block who was a year older than me. That lead to the idea of the kids beating up Will and John C. What made Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly perfect for these roles? Both of them have a big kid-like playful side.
They both have an inane sense of humor of what it means to be an adult in this world and are able to laugh at that. The root of all comedy is screwing with expectations and screwing with reality, and who does that better than kids? On another level, they are both brilliant comic actors and are incredible at improvisation.
They are also shockingly grounded for as ridiculous these characters are.
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- Adam McKay's absurdist gem also finds time to appreciate what creates man-children
They play them very real. Both of them commit to just ridiculous moments that few people can. Do you have a favorite scene? Did it bother you at all when the movie opened to mixed reviews? Ferrell and I have pretty thick skins as far as reviews go. What line gets quoted to you most? You should check it out.
Ferrell and I were talking about the most boring, dry, grown-up event that, for some reason, people think is a huge deal. Ferrell just said the phrase, Catalina Wine Mixer. I just thought it sounded funny, and I thought idea of a wine mixer was the perfect thing to make a big deal of.
That phrase just repeated over and over just made us laugh harder and harder. Have any of them ever said anything about it to you?
Who was it that told me they saw John Stamos… what was the line again? That joke was just square jaw guys on a fishing trip. All right, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower I've got a luscious V of hair And she takes one look at me, and she goes: I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.
Oh, you look so cute in your moving clothes. The movers did everything. He's still in the car. It was kind of a rough drive. Hey, Robert, what's all the commotion? We'll see you, Don. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?
He's testing you to see how much he can get away with. Look in your right hand. But you have to call me Dragon.
You have to call me Nighthawk. Please don't do that. Now, that's enough ketchup. Dale, I don't know if you You might wanna try this. I make a sauce, we call it "fancy sauce" It's my fancy sauce. Well, when Brennan finishes, I'll give you some of this, and it's It's ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together, so Yeah, I really would like some.
Just one last spoonful. Hey, I think you've got enough there, Brennan. It's ketchup and mayonnaise. You don't mind, do you, Brennan? It's probably not good on fish anyway. My dad's king of the castle, so if he wants fancy sauce, he should So you know what? Today, when you were driving around, Dale was telling me that he's really I have a green belt.
Read it and weep. I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands. That's not true, Dale. So, Dale, what have you been working on recently? I manage a baseball team. Why don't you stop being so confrontational, Dale? I'm not the one staring at me. So, Brennan, how about you? I know you used to work at PetSmart.
Actually, Brennan is a really talented person. He's a very gifted singer. I've been called the songbird of my generation The only trick is is that Brennan's very I'm his mom, for example, I've only heard him sing twice.
That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too. In fact, I'll sing right now. If you wanna get down On these hairy balls - Hey! It's a crotch party right up in here - Stop it!
I remember when I had my first beer. That's so funny, the last time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur. Let's just back off. Look, you know what? It's gonna be different Well, it's gonna be an exciting adventure.
You wanna show him the room, Dale? Show him where he can put his stuff? Hey, listen, I like to have a lot of fresh fruit around She's Mom now, so So just a few basic rules about the house.
If there's any foods that you like I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out. House was built in by General Custer. I wanna show you this room. Okay, here's the deal. This is my office and my beat laboratory.
And this is the one rule of the house: Don't ever, ever, ever I was at about six there. You don't wanna see me go to We're going to my room. I just found a chain of islands that we can sail to after New Zealand. You know, I've been meaning to ask you Why is it that Dale never left? Well, Dale has always coasted off my accomplishments. I mean, he left college his junior year But he just always says, "It's all about who you know.
Maybe it was his mother passing. From what you've told me Well, certainly when his father and I split, that was difficult for him. And this one time, when Brennan was 17 and Derek was He sang a song from an old pirate musical. But Derek got his football buddies to replace the choir and sing: From that day on, Brennan never sang again.
Derek went on to win the contest by lip-synching "Ice Ice Baby. I just want you to know I hate you. So does my dad. I hate you too. And this house sucks ass. Well, the only reason you're living here And we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded. You and your mom are hillbillies. You're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face. I hope you stay still when you sleep I'm gonna take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap I want you out of my fucking house. This is my house now. How do you like The Gilded Lady?Stepbrothers Funny Dinner Scene
I wish we could retire right now. Just revealed her cover. I was like, "Wow, this is hot. A little heaven, a little hell. Not supposed to have your feet on the couch. Did you touch my drum set? Yeah, that is weird. Because I didn't touch them. I know you touched my drumstick, because the left one has a chip in it. You fucking crazy, man? You sound insane, do you realize that? You should be medicated. I know you touched my drum set. I wanna hear that dirty mouth admit it. You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass.
You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it! I don't swear to shit! That's because you fucking touched my drum set Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Don't you do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife! If you even go in the room, I will go ape-shit, you hear me? Don't wanna miss a spot. John Bonham's playing "Moby Dick" for real!
I swear to God. I swear to God! There's one rule in the house, and you broke it! I didn't touch your damn drum set!
I'm gonna rub my balls on your mom's face! You son of a bitch! Your drum set's a whore! I teabagged your fucking drum set! Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you fucker!
I think it's gonna go generic soon, okay? My mom is being eaten by a dog, there's nothing I can do! Doback, the phone's for you. I think it's urgent. Robert, they're like animals! I can't stop them! I'm on my way. There seems to be some savage fight going on I don't believe in talking about people's personal lives You know nobody likes you, right? What the fucking fuck? Someone got some air. What are you doing? Okay, here's the deal: Number one, you will fix the fucking drywall now.
Number two, you have one month to find jobs or you're out on your asses. I will arrange interviews for Monday, and you will go! Dad, why are you talking to me like this?
I'm not buying that crap anymore. Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs. Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, "Let's get it on. I'm so not a raper. I didn't touch your drum set, okay? I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set. All right, that's it! You two guys leave me no choice.
No television for a week. Are you out of your mind? This goes in Robert's wall safe and it's gonna stay there. In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks! Aunt Carol's on fire! I don't know where you learned it. Maybe Dale left the back door open and raccoons got in. Is this your purse in the freezer? He sleepwalks and he always puts my purse in the freezer. Look in the oven. It's gonna be fine. They're gonna get jobs, they'll be gone in a month.
The clown has no penis. What kind of dreams are you guys having? Brennan, your brother's coming today, so get up. My little brother's even a bigger asshole than you are. All right, let's really nail it this time. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. All right, Tommy, you're the oldest.
I'm counting on you. All right, all right, Alice, let's go. You don't even look good while you're singing. The worst thing I've ever heard. Okay, I'm gonna save it with this solo. We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding. You were busy fishing with Mark Cuban. Well, not just the Cubes I mean, it was almost too much. My God, that's impressive. Yeah, we were down in the Gulf, fishing bonito. Robert, have you ever been down to the Gulf on the bonito run?
I hear it's amazing. Don't interrupt when he's telling a story. Well, Dale, they are what's called a trophy fish. So, yeah, they're pretty big. Oh, God, I'm sorry, I forget where my story was going. No, he can join in, Robert. Well, I asked him twice not to interrupt. Gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining the story. And possibly the evening. I have a lot more stories. I love talking to you. From across the room, I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man.
You're my new stepdad. Oh, hey, by the way, guys, where's my bro, Brennan? You're right about your brother. I still hate you Yeah, I got them from the '70s, '80s and '90s. It's like masturbating in a time machine.
Anyway, so I figure by the summer ofwe can probably set sail. But I think about it every day of my life. Let me ask you this, Bob, why wait two years? I hear you, believe me. But what if I were to tell you that I could sell this house Could you do it? In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I'd do it for four-fifths commish Helping out my friends.
What about Dale and Brennan? Because they haven't even gotten jobs yet. God, change the record. Don't talk to me like that in front of my son. We're talking about our dream, the boat.
Yeah, it's our dream, but I think it all needs to be done in good time. I'm just saying give it some thought, okay? That's all I'm saying. It's true, three's company. That's a collector's item. It's worth a lot of money. What, you're not gonna come down, say hi to me? Whoa, calm down, man.
You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here. What is your problem, man?
I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over K last year. How much did you make? Well, for me, it's a little bit about money I am the VP of the biggest I haven't had a carb since This is what I live with. Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen. Is there something you want?
I promised Mom I'd offer you a job. I told her it'd count as her Christmas present, so I'm never gonna work for you. The truth is I just smoked a J out in my car a few minutes ago Know what I'm say? What's up with you, man? What you looking at, kemosabe? You wanna punch me right now. You wanna punch me right now, but you won't. You wanna punch me too? You guys both look like you might wanna hit me in the face. You do, I can tell.
Well, why don't you do it? Why don't you punch me in the face? Punch me in the fucking face! Derek, know what's always good for shoulder pain? Aside from that retard trying to punch me, it was a pretty good evening. I'll check out that stock you recommended, Tommy. I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife. Is it true you struck Derek in the face and he fell from the tree house? He asked me to. Oh, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard.
I want you to know that tonight I am gonna pleasure myself to the image of you doing that to Derek. You know what I mean? I wanna roll you into a little ball and shove you up my vagina. You could just live there. It's warm and it's cozy. I wanna walk around with you in there and just know that Please, just do it for me. I hate my life, Dale. Dale, I hate my life! I have nobody to talk to. Dane Cook, pay-per-view, 20 minutes.
I'm just talking to Dale. This is so stupid. We were just talking. It was not about sex or anything. I can't believe you hit Derek. Did you see the expression on his face? I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean. Do you wanna see something cool that only three people have seen? Okay, open your eyes.
See that black smudge right there on the blade? Randy Jackson from American Idol. Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial-arts weapon?
I bumped into him and all I had was this sword I would've done the exact same thing. Now, do you wanna see something really cool? Holy Santa Claus shit. Can you imagine if we had these when we were 12? We got them when we're You know what's amazing?
They're not that noticeable on your face. I can't believe I've been living here for two weeks Secretly, you're not a doucher. Let's play a game, all right?
On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it, just name it. Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to. If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with? Do you wanna go do karate in the garage? I think they're starting to like each other. I got a really bad feeling about this.
Now you're in trouble.
They're betting against you, but you can do it! Is this a bad time? What the hell's going on? Doback, okay, Dale and I were just Please, stop calling me Mr. Why are you guys so sweaty? We've already figured out how. The beds match up perfectly. It would give us so much extra space in our room to do activities.
You don't need our permission to build bunk beds. You can do what you want. I'm not making myself clear. I don't give a fuck. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds. Yes, you can make bunk beds. You are not gonna regret this. We'll get so much more activities done. This is the funnest night ever! This is so scary. Does your son know anything about carpentry? No, not a th Did I hear a drill? Dale, no power tools!
Well, I'm all done anyway. That looks like what you'd buy from a store! Hey, I never asked you. Do you like guacamole? The bunk beds were a terrible idea. Why'd you let us do that? How would you describe that? Put your beds back. Rumpus time is over. You got a big day tomorrow. You need your eight hours. And although she was 88 years old, she never stopped believing. Coming up next, a recent study by the American Council Okay, guys, this is it.
Dad, I need to borrow some clothes for the interview You go in my closet, take whatever you need. You guys gotta look sharp. This is the most important day of our lives. This is your day. Jeener is ready for your interview. Actually, we'll be interviewing as a team.
We're here to fuck shit up. Well, Brennan, you certainly have had a lot of jobs. I'm a bit of a spark plug. And, Human Resources lady, when I think Yeah, I'm sorry, who is this gentleman sitting behind you? There's a D on the end. That was the confusion. No, there's just one M. What do you say we interview you? Yes, that's a sometimes-useful exercise. Please put your hand down. How much money do you make a year before taxes?
Okay, I'm actually not comfortable answering that. Here's a shot out of a cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one. I think we're done here. Huff, under your references, you listed Dale Doback Yeah, we are looking for people we can contact. We wanna tell you the stuff we're not good at. I won't go into an office that's ever been used before. I am no good before 11 a.
I also get headaches from computers, so I can't be around them too long. I need someone to go up and down with me in the elevator. I have a weakness for sweets. We're slow learners and we're not particularly good listeners. First of all, I needed someone to work Wait, shut your mouth. I think we've had enough You're wearing tuxedos to a job that requires you to clean bathrooms. Get out of my office! I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day.
You guys seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedos to the interview. That's funny, it's ironic.
Underplaying the whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So let's do this, you know? You guys are hired. Unless you're the weirdest guys ever and I don't see it. I can taste it. Okay, I'll be honest with you. And this is a small room.
Okay, now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up. We were so close. So, what do we do for jobs? Is your dad really gonna kick us out? Listen, don't worry about my dad. Got him sewn up. We've gotta start thinking bigger, though, Brennan. Listen, what are you really good at? I'm a world-class singer. Right there, that's an amazing skill. Now, what am I good at?
I can shred on the drums and I'm a marketing wiz. Put all that together, what do you get? The biggest and the best. And we're gonna call it Prestige Worldwide. That sounds so cool. I feel like a lightning bolt hit the tip of my penis. This is why we met. That's why our parents met, so this idea could happen. And we hit the beat laboratory right now. What time is it? We should go this way. But that's 45 minutes.
You're gonna shame me into doing this. Oh, God, there they are. Oh, my God, is that Dale Doback? Long time, no see. Is that your boyfriend? Is that your butt buddy? Gardocki, just leave me alone, will you? You guys just go back and have fun on your jungle gym, okay?
Step Brothers Predicted the American Economic Meltdown in | Consequence of Sound
Does butt buddy have a name? If you're referring to me as butt buddy, yes, I do have a name. If you don't come over here and lick that white dog shit Dale, you're not licking dog shit, okay? So maybe you don't go down that way anymore. Maybe you go the long way home. That's what we talked about. We'll take the long way home.
You know in that one scene in The Wizard of Oz That's what it was like. Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened? Robert was very upset, yes.
He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart. You just couldn't hold it, or you? I thought it was gonna be silent. Just kept going, and it made a sound. So listen, Bobby, I'll get those keys made tomorrow Looks like your free ride's over, huh? Have fun living on the streets. Good chatting, you guys. What was he doing here?
We're putting the house on the market. Nancy and I are retiring We are living the dream. Well, what about us? This is the exciting part: We're going to put enough money in your accounts What's this all about? More than just money, we're gonna get you another kind of support as well.
You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. We're not going on the boat Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy? Look, I know this seems really, really sudden I got a bellyful of white dog crap in me It's time you started acting like adults. I know it seems hard, but it's the best thing for both of you.
We do it because we love you. Dad, I'm doing this because I love you: Have a great time! Hey, what's up, Derek? I'm sitting here thinking we finally got a family together here They don't get that this lifestyle is a choice. And all they think about is that stupid boat. I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she is of age, I'm putting her in a home. We have got to get Prestige Worldwide going.
It's the thing that's gonna save this family. I was thinking we should have a investor presentation We gotta start with some capital somewhere. Here's the thing, though: If we're gonna start a huge multinational corporation I have to hear you sing. Can't you just trust that I'm a really, really good singer?