How to deal with the difficult father-in-law - Telegraph
Mar 21, Now my father in law is in the nursing home but my husband doesnt on my husband of 25 years because I know it puts him in a bad position. Oct 1, You may not like your mother-in-law or your father-in-law or your in-laws very much but you certainly can love them and stay close to them. A parent trying to drive a wedge into a marital relationship. (While we don't hear much about the father-in-law stirring up trouble, he often has his wife's back, .
The course of true love never runs smoothly, especially if parents are involved just ask Romeo and Juliet.
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But even if your parents aren't quite the Capulets and Montagues, they can stir up plenty of drama in your relationship. Read on for the ways they may be sabotaging your marriage -- even if their actions seem completely innocent -- and get expert tips on how to cope. Just like on that old sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, your parents may feel a little too welcome in your life. Set some rules -- and fast. Once you and your mate agree on the rules, tell your parents that you love them, but they need to call before they come by -- or whatever other guidelines you need to set for the sake of your marriage.
They assume that you're a mini-them. You and your partner may share genes with your respective parents -- but that doesn't necessarily mean that you plan to follow in their footsteps. Tessina, PhD aka "Dr.Father in law and daughter in law affair in absence of son .
Romance"a psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Tell your parents that you appreciate their viewpoints, but sometimes you need to go your own way. Your parents try to do everything for you. Your doting parents may simply want to shower you with everything they can -- from a new car to your next vacation with them, of course. But you need to be careful that you don't become too dependent on Mom's help or accept gifts that come with strings attached.
If your parents seem to be engaging in a quid pro quo, where you're forced to do their bidding in return for their generosity, tell them you won't be accepting any more gifts -- and stick to it. It may take you longer to save on your own for your house and you may be staycationing instead of heading to Hawaii, but you'll be able to do it on your own terms.
They treat you like babies. You and your mate may be grown-ups with mortgages and steady jobs -- but your parents may still see you as toddlers who need their constant supervision. Likely, this goes hand in hand with gift giving see 3and you may need to put a stop to handouts from your parents to help assert your responsibility for your own life. They bad-mouth your partner. Explain that the snide comments upset you -- and firmly tell them to stop.
If they continue, you need to show that you mean business. I married him and I'm happy,'" Newman advises. And if they continue, leave the room.
They critique your lifestyle. Maybe they don't like that you moved several hours away from home -- or how you spend your money.
How to deal with... the difficult father-in-law
I had the impression she didn't like me very much. I could live with that, but my husband never stuck up for me, so we fought about it.
The apron strings were tied to him, and you just didn't go against Mommy. And we fought about it because he would say, "Oh you're crazy, she never said that. And after it was over I'd say, you know, how stupid we're arguing about this, God forbid we get divorced over her.
My husband would never say anything like "Hey mom, that's my wife, cool it. So when there is conflict between your family and your spouse, don't feel caught in the middle, because your place is on your spouse's side.
To do otherwise is to undermine the trust that is the underpinning of your marriage. Remind yourself why you are doing it.
How to Deal With a Difficult Father-in-Law
This tip from the elders is one that many have used like a mantra in difficult in-law situations. You are used to putting up with your own relatives and you have accommodated to their quirks and foibles. But now you have to do it all over again.
The closest thing to a "magic bullet" for motivating yourself to put the effort into in-law relations, the elders tell us, is to remember that you are doing it because you love your spouse.
Most important, by staying on good terms with his or her relatives, you are honoring and promoting your relationship in one of the best ways possible. Gwen, 94 and married 67 years, puts it clearly: You may not like your mother-in-law or your father-in-law or your in-laws very much but you certainly can love them and stay close to them.
Remember that they're your loved one's family. I learned to love them. I mean, I loved them because they were my husband's parents and I loved him. Eliminate politics from discussion. Here's a specific tip that could not be more relevant during this election season: Keep political arguments out of in-law relations. It can be the biggest bomb in the minefield, and the elders say that these conflicts are unnecessary. There is simply no need to attempt to engage your in-laws in political debates or to convert them.
Often, the urge is to make parents-in-law "really understand" what's going on in society and to show them how irrational or wrong-headed they are politically. I heard many accounts of holiday dinners and family gatherings disrupted by debates over the President, the Congress, abortion, the death penalty, and on and on.
According to the elders, you may not be able to avoid conflict over your in-laws' disapproval of your marriage, your job, your lifestyle, or how you raise your children. But you can make it a rule to take noisy and unnecessary political debates off the table. Remember, we're not talking here about a lively, enjoyable political discussion; I mean the kind that ends with slamming doors and a spouse crying in the car.
Let's return to Gwen for her advice.
How to Deal With a Difficult Father-in-Law - Detroit and Ann Arbor Metro Parent
Gwen made in-law visits much more tolerable by following this lesson and cutting politics out of the interaction. My husband didn't care for my dad because my dad was a completely different kind of person compared to my husband. My dad was the boss of everybody and everything.